Relationships: can they become too personal?

Once upon a time, many years ago, I was teaching in a remote area school in the Northern Territory. I had not long arrived from Western Australia to accept an appointment in one of the most isolated schools in the NT. There was no road access. Communications by phone were non-existent because telecommunications were not that advanced. We had opportunity to reach the outside world by VJY pedal radio on a periodic basis - with all traffic to air being on the public record. There were air services to our remote community which, over time, became more irregular with a scaling back of the Regular Passenger Transport (RPT) service. Goods arrived by sea through a fortnightly barge service from Darwin. Sometimes, the barge had great difficulty making landfall because of the vagaries of the sea channel it had to traverse to our coastal community on the western side of the Gulf of Carpentaria.

We had a dozen staff altogether, with the same number of Aboriginal Support Personnel. Life was hard for a group that was very much hemmed in by isolation and had little social contact with others outside the community. In essence, teachers, who were drawn from within the Territory, from interstate and from overseas, were together 24/7, for the entire school term. We often went for 12 or 13 weeks without the chance to go outside the community, and then, only for a week or two (during the year) before we were back to our regular teaching situations.

Literally, we worked together, socialised together and, within the confines of this landlocked and seabound community, lived together.

For the first months of our time in the Territory, I was a classroom teacher. Then followed a period of several months as a Senior Teacher (in essence, Assistant Principal in a medium-sized school) before I was promoted to the principalship. In those first months, I observed the actions and interactions that can, and do, emerge between people who share their lives, professionally and sociality. What I observed taught me some very valuable lessons. The most important of those was the beginning of my understanding that, in school contexts, you tend to lead less effective if, as a leader, you allow friendship to transcend professional obligation and leadership expectations.

Put bluntly, I learned (and this is personal and subjective) that you can’t be a good boss if those you are leading are, first and foremost, your friends. It became apparent to me that if I was to earn the status of school leadership, I would be best advised to set aside the notion of leadership effectiveness as being a quality extending from, or growing from, personal friendships. It seemed to me that there was a need to separate the ‘personal’ and ‘professional’ elements of relationship. My observations were that leaders could be compromised if those they were leading pulled on the ‘friendship chord’ in order to play down requests or requirements placed upon them as subordinate staff members. It also seemed that the leader, in such a context, was reluctant to challenge staff because to do so might strain the bonds of friendship.

‘Distancing’ can lead to loneliness

Any decision a leader makes, to place distance between himself /herself and staff, comes at a price. That price can be one of personal isolation that builds around the adage ‘it is lonely at the top’. However, there are some factors that can be built into the separation of personal and professional strands that stabilise the equation. There are also elements of development that can, and do, overcome and minimise the isolation that can be attendant upon leaders.

Being there ‘for’ staff (and students) is critical if leadership credibility is to be appreciated. Good leaders are able to intuitively discern workplace difficulties and professional challenges that may be confronting staff. Without ‘smothering’ they are able to offer support, advice and guidance. They are able to be there in professionally collegiate terms for staff. Importantly, they are able to encourage reciprocity from staff who, if they are confronted by professional and occupational issues, feel confident in initiating discussion about matters of concern.

Engendering confidence within the ranks of staff, students and community in the quality of one’s leadership is critical to leadership success and the building of quality relationships. That develops over time and as leaders demonstrate principles of leadership credibility. When assuming the principalship of a large school, I asked that staff and parents feel they could come to me with issues needing discussion and clarification. It took a long time for me, through the manner and method of my leadership style, to convince them that I meant what I said. It was only after they believed my words, through my demonstration of leadership precepts, that they reciprocated. Then our professional relationships - and the professional fellowship emanating from liaison - blossomed. Then also, our professional relationships became ‘personalised’ but were never transcended by the friendship or mateship issues that can become (in my opinion) distracters and detractors.

Without doubt, being a leader who practices the principle of ‘do as I do’ rather than the ‘do as I say’ can be positive and enhancing. In my opinion, and based on experience, leaders who are ‘there’, who are ‘visible’ and who are ‘practicing’ earn a factor of respect that may be lost for those leaders who are less seen by those with whom they associate. It can be imagined at times that leaders who are, for whatever reason, ‘absent landlords’ from their place of work, try to overcome this by playing the friendship fiddle in some sort of compensatory way.

Leaders who are prepared to earn respect rather than being preoccupied with factors of ‘personal like’ are in a position that will add to their credibility and the appreciation held for them by others. Extremes need to be avoided. Leaders can be weak and vacillating, bending with every pressure that is applied. If that happens, their decision-making potential can be shot to pieces. Any respect held for them can evaporate because they are seen to be persons who bend with the winds of persuasion. Similarly, leaders who are resolute to the point of playing everything down the intractable line can lose the respect of others because they are seen to be all consumed by personal power and megalomania.

Respect and the development of strong professional relationships can be enhanced if leaders are malleable and able to be persuaded by the logic of quality propositions put by others. Sharing organisational success and progress with others is an enhancing - but sometimes absent - professional quality that does much to build a strong and ethical relationship between leaders and their organisational peers. In schools, principals and leadership group members do well to acknowledge and share the accolades due unto the school for successes earned. Acknowledging others builds relationships.

There is a need for members of school (and institutional) leadership groups to develop ‘empathy’, which surrounds those with whom they work. Genuine empathetic concern leads to strong and meaningful professional discourse and collegial care. An empathetic leader is one who is strong on encouraging collectivity within, and between, those with stake and interest in schooling and educational outcomes. Genuine empathy wraps around peers (fellow educators) students and community members because it helps in promoting the notion of us all being together as one in the pursuit of educational excellence. To feel needed, appreciated and valued because of contribution to school and schooling builds warmth and promotes harmony. That is especially the case if empathy extends to include wise counsel and constructive advice offered in away that encourages contribution to build in a positive and continuing manner.

Sympathy needs to be carefully placed. It is easy to confuse sympathy with empathy, in a context of where the sympathetic leader offers to take control of the challenges confronting others in ownership terms. That can become an invitation to take the issues and baggage belonging to a colleague and owning them on his or her behalf. Apart from encumbering leaders with a whole lot of unwanted paraphernalia, this course of action offers nothing developmental to the person relieved of the problems because the problem is effectively handballed to another. Good leaders offer options, make suggestions and give advice about management of issues. That's empathy in action. They don’t say in essence: ‘Have you a monkey on your back that I can own?’ That's misplaced sympathy and underpins a leadership practice that sets a leader up to be the ‘fall guy’. It also suggests to associates that if they get into prickly situations, then leadership bail-out will always be on. That does nothing for their self-development. It does, however, suggest that abrogating responsibility will be accepted by leaders. That may be a convenient cop-out, but does not build quality professional relationships.

There can be a tendency on the part of school leaders to assume a quasi-patriarchal or matriarchal role in their relationship with staff, students and community. This is especially the case for people who have been school leaders for a long time, who are chronologically enhanced, or both. Patriarchalism and matriarchalism (the manifestation of fatherhood and motherhood) qualities are best avoided. My own situation illustrates this point. I have been a school leader for close to 40 years and have many members on staff who are years and years younger than my own children. There is a need for me to be careful that my relations with staff (and students and community members, for that matter) are not over-personalised but remain on a quality professional footing. Misplacing the emphasis on what should be a professional relationship by overpersonalisation may go against the organisational health and needs of the school.

Gone are the days

Gone are the days when matters of an educational nature were regarded in a somewhat laissez faire manner from the viewpoint of accountability. Systems are high on accountability and demanding of the time and attention devoted to ensuring quality educational outcomes. This means schools must work together, with their communities, to ensure the best possible results. Stresses and tensions placed on teachers, support staff and students are higher now than they used to be. Education is complex, with requirements impacting on schools compounded by societal demands of what they offer in developmental terms. No longer is education simply about the ‘3Rs’.

In this increasingly complex setting, the development of relationships between those involved with educational delivery is, increasingly, one of significance. It is essential that Leaders get it right in terms of the way they work to develop relationships between themselves and others, while taking into account the need to promote quality relationships between those connected with schools. Working with staff to ensure ‘matrixing’ and the establishment of strong collegiate and corporate practice is essential if schools are to succeed in educating children through the years and up the grades. The development of professional relationships can, and should be, enriching.

The nexus between schools and system hierarchy

Relationships within schools and between staff, students and community, will be facilitated if school leaders are able to work in an inclusive manner with their corporate masters who have system-wide responsibilities. In all educational systems, the ‘them’ and ‘us’ divide has separated and continues to separate schools from the hierarchal structure that hands down compliance requirements from above. Staffs at school level become disaffected by top-down command, while school community members can be confused through not understanding what things are about. Principals and leaders do a great service to their clients of they are able to empathetically listen and take on board both concerns and suggestions, communicating them in an upward direction.

Quality relations by leaders with their school communities, and with their education department leaders, can be applied in a positive, linking manner. If that happens, the ‘them’ and ‘us’ notion gives way to the ‘we’ factor. Nothing can be better than schools and their systems working together in a harmonious way for the good of all.

Concluding thoughts

Nothing is more important than relationships that establish with, and between, people. In an educational context, getting relationships right is the glue that binds everyone connected with schools. Gelling together, and not pulling apart, is essential if schools are to develop the tone and harmony prerequisite to creating a quality teaching and learning atmosphere.

Similarly, linking between schools and their overarching hierarchical structures (and personnel within) is essential if outcomes are to be maximised. Relations with, and between, all parties need to be open, honest, empathetic, considerate and appreciative of the contribution of others. Quality professional relationships, if established, will be the yeast upon which schools, systems and people within, rise to great and shared heights.

However, I strongly believe that personal relations between people in and connected with education should not prevail over the professional aspect of relationships development. That could be anathema.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mr Henry Gray is Principal of Leanyer School, in Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia.

 

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